It’s been 32 days since I sat down and logged into my blog. In those 32 days we’ve been gathering ourselves back together. Thank you to those of you that contacted me to see if we were okay. We are more than okay! We are good. I just could not find it within me to write, because at the end of it all, I hit a wall. I’ll spare you the whole nitty gritty and give you the summation: It’s been a long two years. I was pregnant and anxiously awaiting my husband’s return. He made it back in time to help me get our daughter here safely. We found out 30 days after his return he was leaving again. We said goodbye. We said “hello” two months later as I flew baby and I across the world to meet him. We hunkered down and met up with familiar faces and places to get through the next four months. The whole second deployment was a weird mix of joy and sadness in raising our girl without him in-person-present, and the delight of sharing her with friends and family we would have otherwise not seen because we would have been home together as three. Whew. Talk about conflicting feelings. I also always have a hard time complaining because compared to the rest of the world’s moments of tragedy, I know my problems are not unsolvable. We were/are surrounded by love and support. I carried my girl through 10 flights solo this year and documented her growing up. I loved and cried and found a strength I never knew I had.
We flew home to meet daddy, only to find out he was delayed another 10+ days. That was the beginning of my 32 day blogging hold out. I needed to protect myself and my family as we dragged ourselves to the finish line. That’s the thing about deployments: they hurt, and are horrible, painful, crappy…then they are over.
The reunion went better than I could have ever imagined for us. E welcomed Daddy back without a fuss. She was delighted to have her big playmate back. Our first 48 hours were a pile of hugs, giggles, and tears of gratitude. I felt happy and relieved for all of us.
The last 32 days have been a breath of fresh air. Sitting here today, I feel the pull. I have missed writing. I am shuddering to see all the photos I have yet to do anything with. This blog keeps me constantly accountable for keeping our memories filed. It has always made me feel delighted and proud to look back and see where our adventures have taken us. But. Yes but.
But I don’t know where I’m going now. I don’t know if I want it all out there. True, I’ve always carefully selected what I post. I’ve toiled away furiously and consulted with my friends and family about if I should keep this up. Their advice has lead me to what I always knew they would say, that the choice must come from me. I’ll leave you today with my choice: I hope to share my soul-searching journey with you of not just the past 32 days, but over the past 10 months. E has shaken my world. She’s helped me reluctantly see there’s not enough time or energy to do it all. Leave it to a child to really help me get my priorities straight! I want to focus on my family, and then if there’s time left over, I may be able to tune back into this at some point. I argue in my own mind that if it is important enough, I’ll make time for it. So I hope to keep writing. But I have to find a new way to do it. The world is still a beautiful place to me, but it is also one that I see now with a wary mother’s eyes. The online journaling shall continue, but in a way that makes me feel more comfortable. I hope you can find me, meet me halfway in this journey. I’ll be posting over the next couple of months with updates on my transition to move the blog away from such a personal beat. Until then, I hope you are all snug as bugs in a rug with your own lovies.